Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
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I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there