“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Schrödinger’s cookie
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.