@briangaar

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

You Might Also Like

@Marlebean

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

@trevso_electric

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

@ihateitmunky

Date

Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying

Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit

@hoedeehoe

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

@KalvinMacleod

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

@kwirkyKerri

I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.

@RVGisFUNNY

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

@Douchekevin

You’ll know when it hits 0 degrees because all the Canadians will be wearing shorts, playing frisbee and BBQing outside.