I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
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Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying
Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
*smile calls police*
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
You’ll know when it hits 0 degrees because all the Canadians will be wearing shorts, playing frisbee and BBQing outside.