Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
The honesty is refreshing
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”