Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
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[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
“Wait, let me explain..”
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.