ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
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Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.