Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Is there a way to fall gracefully? No.
But am I able to rise from this graceless decline and be the best possible version of myself? Also no.
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Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
date: so tell me about yourself
me: i am comprised of atoms
date: haha no like what do you do
me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain
date: for like fun, i mean
me: sex and television
alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.