Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
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the three genders
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I can’t wait!
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks