[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
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I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.