@StickyickyBuns

Is there an app to delete your number out of other people’s phones yet?

You Might Also Like

@AmishPornStar1

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

@jonnysun

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

@flashember

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

@stevevsninjas

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

@the_mom_dot_com

I just got laid. But don’t worry, I was totally thinking about you guys the whole time.

@DeadLioness

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

@Fred_Delicious

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

@cmonstah

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

@krisv_723

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

@SaraMansford

So I called up the Captain, please bring me my wine. He said: “ma’am, this is a cruise. Please don’t call me again if there’s no emergency”