Is there an app to delete your number out of other people’s phones yet?

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The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.


a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair


[Cop arresting a centipede]
*opens crate of new handcuffs*


The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.


I just got laid. But don’t worry, I was totally thinking about you guys the whole time.


Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?


the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?


2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.


Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.


So I called up the Captain, please bring me my wine. He said: “ma’am, this is a cruise. Please don’t call me again if there’s no emergency”