Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
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Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle