In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
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The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.