@sarahemclaugh

is there nothing we can trust anymore

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@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

@marcusparkersol

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

@3sunzzz

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

@Mom_Overboard

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

@PlainTravis

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

@GreenishDuck

Sure I’ll eat square slices of pizza, but I’m thinking of triangular ones the whole time.

@HoldinCoffeeld

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.