is there nothing we can trust anymore
You Might Also Like
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Trying
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT