@Ristolable

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

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@3sunzzz

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

@tarashoe

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

@WilliamAder

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

@ChicksRule

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

@flashember

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

@robots_feel

interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@pleatedjeans

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

@iamspacegirl

Dad Dragon: If we weren’t supposed to eat them they wouldn’t come w plates and toothpicks now finish ur damn knight

Teen Dragon: I hate you

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

@VisionBored1

I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse