“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
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i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
absolutely not
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I feel it
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
excuse me
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car