“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

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Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.


Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….


When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced


I’ve removed swim with dolphins from my bucket list. Mainly cos I can’t swim and drowning with dolphins doesn’t have quite the same appeal.


[public restroom]

Me: We’ll have to go some place else, it says “unavailable”

Mom: Even the toilet found someone before you


Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.


Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.


I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.


I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.


My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2