“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
blocked.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
CUTE CAT‼︎
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”