Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
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I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.