Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

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I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.


I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away


Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.


Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”


When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”


They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.


Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.


Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?

Me: I’m hyper observant

Interviewer: You have mustard in your beard

Me: Oh..