@brennadine

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

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@Donna_McCoy

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

@Bob_Janke

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

@GibJimson

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

@Man_wonders

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

@SarcasticAlly12

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

@Rollmaninoz

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

@Dawn_M_

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

@ThaJawn

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?

Me: I’m hyper observant

Interviewer: You have mustard in your beard

Me: Oh..