Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
You Might Also Like
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better