Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
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Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
*lint rolls you awake*
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Goodnight 🐶
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.