Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
You Might Also Like
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Meow
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.