@drinksmcgee

Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…

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@TheMichaelRock

Clark Kent: *sits glasses on counter*

Lois Lane: Who are you and where did the new countertop come from?

@3sunzzz

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

@causticbob

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

@MarfSalvador

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

@sarcasticmommy4

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

@LuvPug

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

@KeetPotato

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

@slaughthie

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded