Clark Kent: *sits glasses on counter*
Lois Lane: Who are you and where did the new countertop come from?
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You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded