@drinksmcgee

Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…

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@TheHatdog

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

@DurtMcHurtt

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

@Stellacopter

*hears noise downstairs
*wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first

@sucittaM

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

@slimthicccins

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

@Diversion50

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

@Mikecanrant

Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.