20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
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another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR