@RandomlyMJ

Is there such a thing as spontaneous feline combustion? Anyway, baking soda and vinegar are terrible for cats.

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@Eden_Eats

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

@looktothepickle

Got a cut on my arm, someone on Facebook sent me healing vibes and PRESTO! two weeks later the cut fully healed this is not a joke people

@dumbbeezie

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

@fishbowel

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

@Parkerlawyer

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

@Chonfucius

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

@sweatsntopknots

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me