“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
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Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
plant them where lol
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
My daily affirmation
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this