“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
You Might Also Like
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.