is this a warning or an offer?
You Might Also Like
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he