Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
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Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.