@ItsAndyRyan

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

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@TheOnion

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

@Brianhopecomedy

Looks like my wife snuck a love note into my pocket which is pretty cute, although I don’t know what “DNR” means.

@thenatewolf

“You do realize it’s a crime to lie in court, right?”

*I think for a moment and then move my hands closer together*

@thesulk

Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.

@ThisOneSayz

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

@AntozWolf

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

@pattymo

After every one of Benedict Cumberbatch’s lines in DR. STRANGE, turn to your neighbor & say “I guess that’s why they call him Dr. Strange”

@GoodnightSanity

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids