“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
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It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Investing in beetcoin