Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
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My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
had to share :’)
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher