“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
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If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.