A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
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[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.