Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
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Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
every successful marriage consists of one person who will play board games with the kids and one person who values their sanity
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
If you cut off my head I’ll continue eating for two more days.