is this too much to ask for

You Might Also Like


Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube


Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁


[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here


every successful marriage consists of one person who will play board games with the kids and one person who values their sanity


[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t


Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.


GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems


When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.


[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer


If you cut off my head I’ll continue eating for two more days.