Mmmm canned fish.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Twitter fine art
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
All excellent questions
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.