Is this you?
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Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Candles never taste the way they smell
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.