Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
You Might Also Like
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
me logging onto twitter
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
That de-escalated quickly
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this