Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
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I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
nice challenge
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in