It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
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Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.