Is this your resume?


It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

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Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?



Son: Where’s mom?


H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?


Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.


[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix


Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!


I’m just a girl trying to keep up with a guy on my Fitbit challenge who may be walking out more sexual frustration than me


ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo


I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.