Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son: Where’s mom?
Is this your resume?
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
Welcome to UPS!
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*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I’m just a girl trying to keep up with a guy on my Fitbit challenge who may be walking out more sexual frustration than me
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.