“Is this your resume?”


“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”


“Welcome to UPS!”

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Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away


Fool me Once – Shame on You.
Fool me Twice- Shame on Me.
Fool me Thrice- What are you, a Nigerian Scamster?


Watching Riverdale with my son has afforded us important discussions like not to lie to the police when your twin brother dies mysteriously.


Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.


Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think


If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.


Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.


“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink