@daemonic3

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

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@papasuncle

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

@RandomManik

Fool me Once – Shame on You.
Fool me Twice- Shame on Me.
Fool me Thrice- What are you, a Nigerian Scamster?

@markhoppus

Watching Riverdale with my son has afforded us important discussions like not to lie to the police when your twin brother dies mysteriously.

@ewws13

Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.

@drewjanda

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

@AnniemuMary

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

@LetMeStart

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

@CarpeAngela

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink