“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
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A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Grandmother clock.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.