Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
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[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Do not levitate over flowers
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.