[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
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Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
how to market bottled water to dads
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.