Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
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british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her: