Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
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Twitter is an abusement park.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.