@WilliamAder

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

- @WilliamAder

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@ericsshadow

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

@torrami

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

@Vodkantots

Americans keep saying they want to move to Canada.

As if Canada were even a real place.

@Izianikapani

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

@fuzzlime

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

@CherBear162

Did you hear that?

What?

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

NOT “WHAT?”..WHAT!?

What?

*axe murderer kills both*

@SlimWyldNReklez

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

@cjwerleman

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.