Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
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Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Just why bro?!
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
what’s the point then??