Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
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Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
The Purge: Valentine’s Day