Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
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Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I don’t get marriage
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.