Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
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ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
it was a valiant fight
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Feel. He’s so soft.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire