Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who reply to a text message with a phone call
[psychiatrist who used to be a cheerleader] you seem aggressive seem seem aggressive
Two horses in a field.
One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
100 Ways to contact me;
1. Call me.
2. Tweet me.
3. Txt me….
95.Drums and smoke signals
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.