ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

You Might Also Like


Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.


A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who reply to a text message with a phone call


[psychiatrist who used to be a cheerleader] you seem aggressive seem seem aggressive


Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!


‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress


[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.


Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”


When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.


100 Ways to contact me;
1. Call me.

2. Tweet me.

3. Txt me….

95.Drums and smoke signals



Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.