ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
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Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
yall want some gasoline milk
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on