Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

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co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]


It’s such bullshit that there’s no zombie apocalypse. I totally want to hit my neighbor over the head with a shovel.



Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.


My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.


Your psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.


ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.


My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.


Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that’s not a good tweet but I’m getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.