@Tmoney68

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

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@ciarasmith91

Jobs: You Need To Have Your BA
*got BA
Jobs: you need 5yrs experience
*5years later
Jobs: You need a MA
*Got MA
Jobs: we need some1 young

@hailtotheHunny

So are we just going to ignore the fact that all adults have a favorite stovetop burner & no one talks about it

@VodkaThursday

I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT ANYTHING. YOU ARE EVIL. I don’t want to go in the swing!! NOOOOooooo…. okay. yeah. This works. I’ll hang here. – Baby

@Jaybberwocky

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

@daemonic3

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

@RodLacroix

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

@TheWeirdWorld

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

@carlyken

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

@kentgrossarth

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’