@Tmoney68

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

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@UnFitz

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

@RamblingMachine

You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

@thepaulahunt

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

@JustMeTurtle

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

@SaltyCorpse

Me: Do you have any towels in your room?

My son watching tv: No.

Me: I SWEAR TO JESUS IF I FIND ONE TOWEL IN THAT BLACK HOLE OF A ROOM, I’LL NAIL EVERY PIECE OF UNDERWEAR YOU OWN TO THE TREE OUT FRONT.

My son: Hang on

@3BlindMike

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

@darksidedeb

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

@UnFitz

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

@Snarfernini

A good education is pretty important, but I think being good looking might be more importanter.