me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
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It’s such bullshit that there’s no zombie apocalypse. I totally want to hit my neighbor over the head with a shovel.
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Your psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that’s not a good tweet but I’m getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.