I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
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Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.