Autocorrect is my menesis
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel