[ISIS cuts off some dudes heads]
Whoa thats messed up you better quit it!
[ISIS breaks old rocks]

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if you meet an american who knows anything about the metric system, you have met a drug user.


[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.


The plane starts going down. I say, “If we die, know that hat is hideous”. We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn’t spoken to me since.


She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.


Hi, is your resort child friendly?

Yes it is sir. Would you like to make a reservation?

*hangs up


3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.


If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.


GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four