@RatCasket

[ISIS cuts off some dudes heads]
Whoa thats messed up you better quit it!
[ISIS breaks old rocks]
OKAY WE HAVE TO STOP THEM NOW.

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@the_kizzle

if you meet an american who knows anything about the metric system, you have met a drug user.

@pleatedjeans

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

@agathagotstoned

The plane starts going down. I say, “If we die, know that hat is hideous”. We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn’t spoken to me since.

@50NerdsofGrey

She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.

@salamingia

Hi, is your resort child friendly?

Yes it is sir. Would you like to make a reservation?

*hangs up

@seriouslyamy

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

@TheHyyyype

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

@ewfeez

GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four