Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
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This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*