ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
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TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.